New Girl: Eggs

We find Jess, CeCe and all her friends sitting at the dinner table with Nick. They are talking about freezing their eggs and how when you get older you lose most of them. Jess and CeCe want to come in for a test to see how many viable eggs they have left in them. Their lesbo gyno friend agrees after announcing their pregnancy.

Schmidt is having not such good sex with his boss. He asks the gyno if he can come in as well to make an appointment to see if he is doing this wrong. He ends up turning her on since she is horny and hormonal due to pregnancy. Jess takes the test and she is super fertile, but CeCe is not. She only has another 1- 2 years to conceive.

Nick wants to finish his zombie novel. So he tries to emulate Ernest Hemingway. He takes Winston with him, even though it is messing with his sleep schedule. He finishes the novel, but its horrible. Then they all offer to fertilize Jess. Oh boy.

New Girl: Thanksgiving Parent Trap

Another Thanksgiving at New Girl. Jess invites her mother for the first half and her father for the second. Looks like they both show up at the same time. She has been doing the "Parent Trap" for years, trying to get them back together. She finally gets them to kiss and make out and she is happy about that. At the end, we see them in the elevator together and I guess they secretly do this. Nice cameos by Jamie Lee Curtis and Rob Reiner.

Meanwhile, Schmidt's cousin Schmidt is there as well. Him and Schmidt are always in competition. Winston and CeCe tell them to compete for the title. They do a few hilarious things and then finally the last challenge is to kiss Winston. The cousin Schmidt does it and he wins, but then misses his girlfriend.

New Girl: Swim Therapy

Jess is still jobless and they refuse to help her out. She has PMS and without gas or hot water she is not having a good time. Winston pretends to have PMS as well. Nick has rage issues so he sits in the park next to this Asian man who doesn't speak. Nick bonds with him over no words and finally the Asian man takes him swimming where all his fears float away. He then takes Jess there in the end to help her. Jess applies to a job for creative writing, but after seeing a Yorkie in a cup, she cries. She learns that he died and cried even more. Luckily, she got the job.

Schmidt is trying to sleep with his boss. He ends up going home and making out with CeCe. She tries to pull away knowing it is wrong.

New Girl: Halloween

Jess is working as a zombie in a haunted house. Her outfit is atrocious! She is still seeing wrong number Sam, but finds out he is a pediatrician. This can be hazardous to her! She starts to like him. She soon tells him and finds out he only wants it to be casual and gets a bit sad and heartbroken.

Schmidt is so jealous of CeCe's boyfriend. He goes as a groom and she is basically a bride, but her boyfriend is a ninja turtle. He finally gives in and offers to switch costumes and be Magic Mike, haha. CeCe loves him and she cannot hide it anymore.

Nick's old crush is in town. He tries to make it something its not and it blows up in his face. He ends up telling her he hates her kissing and then she leaves. Things don't change!

Finally Winston and Shelby break up. She comes in a royal robe and stuffed animals and she is "Raining cats and dogs". She meets up with another girl dressed as coat of arms, haha.

The haunted house is so scary and Nick tries to find Jess. When he does, he gets so scared he punches her in the face.

New Girl: Boob Fight

It's CeCe's birthday and the ritual is to eat a whole cake and watch Clueless. But CeCe wants to go out with her dumb model friends. Jess agrees, but they always think she is a Russian monkey cartoon. While at the club she tells them off and tells them that they make CeCe dumber. They get into a punching boob fight. The next day CeCe is so hungover she cannot model for Ford. Jess agrees to and ends up getting her heel stuck in the rotating platform and messing it all up.

Schmidt gives Nick a cookie and Nick cannot understand why everyone is so nice to him. He starts talking about wanting to get a turtle. Then Nick decides to get a star of David cookie for Schmidt, but its too late. Not sure about this whole scene here.

New Girl: The Neighbors

Jess still does not have a job and is working at a casserole place and doing impressions of 90's sitcom characters like Urkel. A group of younger people move in across the hall and Jess wants to get to know them. Schmidt wants to be their buds, but is all Schmidt like and they hate him. The love Jess and she wins them over with her impressions. They think she is just like them struggling to find her way. She realizes she is not like them and is not 23, she just lost her job and needs to get back to it.

Nick plays an expensive trick on Schmidt to make him feel old. He replaces his fiber pills, makes his chair lean back and makes his shoes shorter. They talk about how him and Winston have different ideas of trick playing and how they should pee next to his car, not in it. Winston ends up making a scene at work and gets to be the producer of his own radio show.

New Girl: The Fluffer

Jess asks Nick for advice on casual sex with Sam. She doesn't know how to do it, so Schmidt suggest they take her on a test run. When she gets to the restaurant all fancied up, only Nick is there. They cannot afford it, so she brought a Thermos of white wine. They start to get drunk and the waitress is aware of their drinking now. She goes home with Sam after that. It becomes clear to Nick that he is her fluffer and he doesn't want to be anymore. Even though he puts together her IKEA furniture for her. They have it out and she mentions how cheap he is. She mentions she had a moment where she thought of him as more than friends, but it passed.

Winston is not getting any sex from Shelby so he undresses every girl he sees and cheats on her in his mind. A funny scene where he tries to sleep with her, but she says she has to go to the bathroom, haha.

The funniest part is Schmidt. He wants to wear this preppy whale belt and everyone mistakes him for Mitt Romney's son Tugg/Tagg. He thinks he is friends with Kanye and gets into a club with Winston. CeCe is there, but she distracts him. He goes home with college girls for Romney. They love him until they realize that he is not part of the family. I love him, I really do.

In the end, Nick lends Jess his sexy mix and it works as she has sex with Sam.

New Girl: Season Premiere x 2

Two new girls in one night! Lucky us! Let's see how they did....

Episode 1:

Jess needs to get ready and Nick is in shower. Schmitt is wearing his penis diaper, because his cast comes off later today. He asks Jess to itch his undercarriage. Ew. Jess gets fired from her job. Consolation prize? She can take home two items from the lost and found. She chooses sparkly hat and sunglasses. CeCe picks her up.

Scmidt wants to have a cast off party. He even invites CeCe. He asks Nick to bartend and Jess offers to be a shot girl. She has no skill and the other shot girl makes more money and does better. Jess ends up breaking a bottle of liquor and crying. Schmidt sees Cece and she brings her new boring boyfriend. She tells him they have too much in common, too pretty, and it will never work.

Episode 2:

Jess goes to the bar and wants to start dating a guy Nick knows. She asks him to give him her number. While there she meets a guy that thinks she is Katie from OK cupid. They go back to her house and have sex and she pretends to be Katie. She then gets sexy texts from Nick's friend and it turns out to be the short fat one, Bear claw, and not the tall cute one.

She gets caught however in the bathroom with Sam, while Bear Claw is there. He outs her for not really being sick. She tells everyone she is not Katie, but Sam does not care. Nick runs into Old Nick from the future and they talk and he tells him to apologize to Jess. Later on we find out he is a crazy homeless man and not Nick from the future.

Semi funny, but not up to New Girl Par. Let's hope they get better!

*All photos from fox.com

New Girl: Season Finale

All these season finales, so sad!

Nick was talking about moving out to live with Caroline. He has his van all packed up and they are interviewing new roomies. They interview a guy, who is weird, but they let him stay. Jess is totally against this though.

Schmidt's bandages is coming off his member and he is excited about it. His doctor makes some scary face and puts a cast on instead. He cant get hard in it so he decides to see CeCe at her modeling job. He gets very jealous when he sees her with her model guy friend. He wants to break it off with her so she can have the life she deserves.

Its moving day and Nick, Schmidt and Winston are driving the truck to Caroline's. They pass it. Nick keeps driving to a mountain range. He parks the car and flips out and then throws his keys off the mountain. OMG. They are stuck there. They call Jess to come get them, who brings CeCe. She gets so mad that she throws her keys too.

from fox.com

They are all there, listening to Nick's 90's mix tapes and hanging out, drinking beer. Schmidt sees a text from the male model on CeCes phone and flips out. He tries to break up with her, by White Fanging her. She catches on, since its the only book on his kindle. Nick and jess try to find the keys and run into a live Coyote. She does a road runner impression, meep meep and scares it away. That would never happen in real life!!

from fox.com

The morning comes and Jess has the keys all along. She takes them out and offers to drive Nick and everyone back. The roommates were all there sans Nick and then he shows up! I guess hes back and the new roomie is homeless!

New Girl: Sex & an Ex

Jess is super upset over her break up with Russell. She has the song, The River, on repeat and everybody is begging for her to take it off. She decides to finally go to the bar to get out of her funk. They take her phone away from her so she wont call Russell. Schmidt is so busy not getting hard from CeCe, Jess steals her phone away and calls someone. PAUL!

from fox.com

She wakes up from awkward sex with Gunslinger. The guys make the gunslinger jokes and she goes to talk to him at school. She learns he cheated on his girlfriend, Asian Jess, with her. He was going to propose. She tells him to tell her, he does, they both ugly cry and then she forces his hand to propose to her. Cute!

Nick is going to move in with Caroline. The guys are not having it so they show Nick the tape of him that he made when Caroline broke up with him. It has him unshaved and yelling about her, but Nick doesn't care. He moves in with her anyways.

Schmidt goes with CeCe to see her grandma at an old age home and realizes that he belongs with CeCe. And Winston gets a strange earring that they make fun of through the show.

New Girl: Schmidt's Penis

I know, I know, the profanity! Well, Schmidt's penis is a big focus here. Let's begin, shall we?

Jess has been running into ex-wife Ouli at the gym. She sees her in the sauna, where Ouli is buck naked and still hugs Jess. Yuck. I am disturbed watching this. She thinks its a good idea to have dinner with Ouli and Russell. Bad idea. She tells roomies she is not worried, because when her parents fought she would sing a song and tap. "Please don't tap Jess". Suffice to say, they go to this dinner and its an all out war. Ouli and Russell fight about an old fight and get so loud, in each other's faces, that Jess has to sing that song and tap. It doesn't work, but at the end they look like they want to make out. Jess feels like she is missing that passion with Russell. She tries to get him mad enough that he fights with her, but its a no go. He says he doesn't want that same kind of relationship he had with his ex.

from ew.com

Nick has a new hobby, growing tomatoes on their roof garden. Everyone is a bit skeptical, but he tries to make it work. He is so upset about everyone being in love (Shelby and Winston and CeCe and Schmidt) that he wants that too. In the end, he ends up calling ex girlfriend Caroline and sleeping with her. Jess finds them and yells at Nick for this. They have TRUE passion. They do this shake their butts dance which is hilarious.

CeCe doesn't like how serious her and Schmidt are getting. She tells him to date other people and her Russian roommate offers. They go out and she only knows a few words and is too skinny (says my hubby) and it ends with Schmidt being in the hospital. Before that she says she likes mickmous and he is screaming what does that mean and she meant Mickey Mouse. Omg, too funny. This is why I love Schmidt! His penis got broken with her and he compares it to a crushed traffic cone. CeCe is upset and tells him she likes him. Any excitement though hurts him, so she needs to leave with her bag over her body. Super cute how they like each other. Winston ends by playing a game with Schmidt, trying to get him aroused while he winces in pain.

from fox.com

New Girl: Pregnancy Scare

Jess is supposed to babysit Russell's daughter, Sara. She already knows her from class, but now its time to bond with her. She warns the crew NO BOMBS at all. His ex drops her off and still refers to him as her husband, weird. When Sara gets there she is infatuated with Nick. She calls him poop eyes, because that means love.

CeCe thinks that she is pregnant, because she missed her period. She talks about how her and Schmidt had tantric sex because she is Indian and she thinks that she should know better. Schmidt overhears them talking about this and is super cute. He puts his head on her belly and talks about their caramel baby. The bone structure on this one he thinks. He tells her how he will be there for her no matter what. Super sweet! CeCe however is not ready to be a mom and is freaking out. She is crying, upset, crazy and it just makes me think she has her period. He tells her he wants to take her on a real date to see Italy on ice. She says no and to ask someone else. She wants this to be just sex. He also has a clip about him as a baby and break dancing, haha.

from fox.com

Winston has some lame subplot about taking his boss to the Michael Strahan show. Lame. His boss is addicted to yard sales and runs out of his moving car. Strange.

Nick is still into dating college girls. The one he is dating now, Chloe, loves art and is smart. When he brings her over she says Mazel Tov to the news of the possible baby. This is when Schmidt says in his jewish grandma voice, what a nice girl Nick! He invites her over for dinner as Sara stares at them the whole time. Jess asks what is wrong and Sara talks about how she hates her from the bus. The bus? Apparently Chloe is only 18 and was just on the bus last year. She even had Jess as a teacher. Uh oh Nick, time to break up. Sara gets upset when she thinks Jess outs her love to Nick and locks herself in Jess' room.

from fox.com

CeCe and Jess try to get her out while they stall her mother who is there to pick her up. They finally get her out and she has put all of Jess' bras on her (even the non teacher ones) and cant get them off. Jess and Nick help her as the mom walks in, takes her away and CeCe runs out screaming how happy she is she got her period.

We end with Nick and Schmidt at Italy on ice. Hilarious.

New Girl: True American

Cute little episode, let's start!

Jess has been sleeping with new boyfriend Russell (which I saw My Best Friend's Wedding last night and he is still just as gorgeous!) so she asks him to come to her place and hang with her friends. She even runs out of underwear and has to wear his boxers. She has a talk with CeCe about it, who is actually still there and naked. She even talks to Jess naked with a sheet on her, ew.

The boys created this game called True American, which I still don't understand. It has elements of Candy land, but you cant step on certain parts of the floor and its a huge drinking game. Its all about teamwork and crazy rules, very new girl. And every time Russell is there, they are horrible to him. Schmidt makes fun of his choice in sushi, wittle wussell wants an wavacado woll. Lol.

Meanwhile they play the game and they boys end up loving Russell as he gets super drunk with them. He even listens to Nick's book of ideas. He has one of about an iphone app that has a army knife attached. Very strange, right? He calls it Real Apps. Schmidt made the name, Nick made the app. When you say it together it sounds like RELAPSE and Nick bugs out. Russell gets so drunk and hungover, Jess tries to make him hangover eggs. He is upset and wants to go home.

from fox.com

Meanwhile, Winston gets a job with a sports radio guy where Kareem Abdul Jabar works there. Kareem tries to warn him not to work there, but he wants the job. His boss likes 6 milkshakes in his fridge and they need to be Beyonce colored. Very racist and profiling this show! He decides to get his boss back by dipping his balls into them. In the end he ends up telling him he did it and the boss tries to get Kareem to drink the nuts drink. He gets fired from his nanny job because Alvin wants him to get a real one. He tells his mom that Winston tried to get him to smoke pot with him, haha.

from fox.com

While they show Russell their app they cut Russell up and Jess tries to sticky tape so paper towel to it, making it worse. He ends up going home, but Jess comes over after that and they make up. Guess we will see him for a few more episodes.

New Girl: The Secret

CeCe and Schmidt are still having secret sex. Jess goes to see CeCe for the marathon they entered. She is busy hiding Schmidt under her couch covers. (There is a jew in the couch). Winston feels compelled to tell Nick, but Nick has a problem with secrets. He becomes "sweatback". He ends up telling Jess and then the secret is out. Jess sits down with CeCe and Schmidt to talk about the secret affair. She takes it out on CeCe when she refuses to run with her, while getting pumped up to her book on tape. (Diane Keaton) Who runs to that? They have never kept secrets before.

from fox.com

Meanwhile, Nick is busy having sex with all these underage college woman. He has a hard time lying to them when he wants to kick them out. He enlists the help of Schidmt to figure these things out. Schdmit even references when he was fat Schmidt (g-d love this flashback) and getting with the fat girl. There is a scene with one of the girls who forgot her circle scarf and gets upset because his phone rings, he throws the phone so she wont see who is calling and another girl is in his room wearing the scarf. They fight it out until Winston sings and pulls them all apart.

Jess and CeCe are doing the race and she refuses to run with her. Schmidt wears a t-shirt that says "See CeCe Run" and CeCe thinks its funny not rude. This causes Jess to think that maybe she really does like Schmidt and goes to make up with her. Not before nasty secrets come out. Ones about seeing My Girl with Jessica P. when they were 10. This one made me hysterical. There was also a scene where they tell Jess their secrets and how they delight themselves to visions of her and the bangs. Oh my. She wears a winter coat to try and prevent this. Haha.

from ew.com

Jess finally finishes the 10k race in 3hours. Which by the way, people finish marathons in!! 26.2 miles that is! She must have slow stepped it. Nick sees two girls running that were roomies that he slept with both and learns how to lie to them. Well done. Winston questions why Cece slept with Schmidt (Is it huge??) and how Schmidt is eating Indian every night. Ew!

New Girl: Fancyman Part 1 & 2

I finally caught up on both these episodes and truly loved them. I was hysterically laughing through both of them. Let's begin shall we?

Part I....

Nick needs a new cell phone but has no line of credit. So he tries to pretend to be the guy who doesn't need a phone. Jess has a run in with one of her kid's dad's (after she taught a sex ed class dressed as Mr. Monogamy). Hysterical, the words on the blackboard that say instead of sex we can watch TV and hold hands. (I had to take 30 condoms off cucumbers) The parent is Dermot Mulroney (Yum!). She basically tells him off for being a bad parent and then gets yelled at by the principal who says she has to apologize because he pays so much money to the school.

from fox.com

She is on her way over to Russel's office when her car breaks down awkwardly in the middle of the road. He is behind her and offers to get his tow truck to come (she says she will push it a mile) and then gives her his car to drive and bring back to his house for his BBQ. She takes Nick with her and he keeps protesting the rich man. That is until he sees Russel's office and loves his chair, his desk, his hat and his chair sweater. He starts making calls at his desk about how he is the big man and making deals.

from fox.com

At the party Jess tries to use the Japanese talking bidet and hits too many buttons.It ends up soaking her with 5 happy faces and Russell turns it off. He feeds her an open faced duck spring roll, so good she can punch him. Russel gives Nick his spare phone, lets him keep the sweater and convinces Jess to go on a date with him. This was not too long till she fell into the Koi pond and got drenched, ahaha.

In other parts, Schmidt is super good at trivia and Winston is upset by this. He feels outshown by him in front of Shelby. Winston tries to memorize the answers with the little kid he babysits. He ends up shouting out the wrong answers to impress her. Cute! Schmidt is amazing and smart and I really love him more every time i watch. Schmidt offers to put some Jodeci on, I swear I was gut laughing, so funny.

We end with Nick still at the desk saying funny quotes like asking to buy China for a kabillion dollars. Hysterical.

from fox.com

Part II....

Jess went on an awkward date with Russell and at the end he ends up patting her on the back. She wants to know what is wrong and CeCe tells her to call him. She goes on another date with him and then talks about how their bodies are decaying, um weird. He gets a phone call during dinner, says he has to go, drops money on the table and then $100 extra for cab fare.

from ew.com

Nick's old law school friend Dirk is staying with them. They all decide to have a huge party at the house and bring home undergraduate girls to hook up with. Nick thinks he is the smartest man alive so agrees to everything he says. CeCe dresses up like a librarian for Scmidt and he says no. He doesn't like the fact that she tells people she owns him and he is the sex-cretary. He says no and she says he needs to say goodbye to the girls, he calls them Harold and Kumar and says to her boobs no more trips to White Castle. If she agrees to have sex in fantasy place #3 he will do it, she says yes.

Meanwhile, Shelby is off to a bachelorette party in Mexico. Winston says she should go and they should have space. She gets angry and leaves. He then asks Schmidt what happened and he realizes that space is not the same thing and he borrows Schmit's car (manbulance) again to drive to Mexico to get her. While he is in the car, we cut to seeing CeCe and Scmidt naked in the trunk, or fantasy place #3. He drives 2.5 hours to the Mexican border (I thought they lived in Chicago? It doesn't take that short to get there) he is playing the soundtrack to Wicked the whole way there and singing (I swear I almost died at how funny this is, I love Wicked!) and realizes he loves Shelby and she says she is back at the apartment. He turns around, tells her he loves her and gets stopped at the border. While there, the cop asks if he is smuggling immigrants over and he laughs, but they find naked Schmidt and CeCe in the car. Jigs up!

Back at the house, the party is a rager. Nick is so drunk. Russell shows up to tell Jess he is sorry. He forgot to give his daughter's asthma inhaler to her and she had an attack and had to go. He really does like her. He drives her and Dirk, Nick and some girls away and Nick ends up puking on the side of the road. He thinks he is in a forest and cant find them again. Jess and Russell end up kissing, finally.

New Girl: Fat Schmidt

I am sorry to say I slept through half of this 24 minute show. Which means two things. 1. It didn't keep my attention and 2. I was exhausted. Read on, please!

Schmidt is a super control freak. He is upset with Jess that she took in a pine hutch to their house. He wants things his way. He is also upset with CeCe that she is booty calling him. What is that saying? Once we get what we want, we do not want it anymore? He tells her his loafers are slippy and gives them to her to take so they don't get stolen.

Nick and Winston are having a fight about money. Nick owes Winston a lot of money and he writes him this whole letter asking for the money back. They go to the supermarket to shop, since Schmidt is on strike and have a fight about it there too. It turns into a girly slap fight.

My favorite scene was a flashback to fat Schmidt when he moved in with the guys. I love seeing his character. Him and Jess are the main reasons why I watch this show at all. He is so appalled by some head of lettuce kickball that he throws up fake green vomit, classic. He gets so upset when Jess puts her regular vanilla extract on the spice rack next to his Tahitian one. Haha.

Jess takes him to Venice Beach and they are amongst the smog, the garbage and the kids eating ice cream. He even plays the locals drums. He is losing his mind and ends up showering it off with Nick's soap like a common ranch hand. The apartment took a fall for the worse without Schmidt taking care of it.

Jess had to fix things so she gave Schmidt a pair of grey, flat front, designed by a magician named Calvin Klein to wear. He happily accepted and clean the house again and cooked for them. He even wore these pants to bed. CeCe shows up while he is asleep to have sex with him and there is a cute scene of this and she points out he is still wearing the pants. He calls them trousers.

Hope next week I am awake for everything!

New Girl: Nick is Not Dying!

I have to say this was not one of the more funny ones. I tried to make myself laugh, but it did not work so well. Let's begin...

The gang is playing flag football and Nick gets hurt and is spine is all messed up. He does not have health insurance. Jess offers for him to see her friend Sadie, the lesbian gyno, since she won't charge him. They go to see her and she gives him meds for cramps to ease his back pain. As he is swallowing, she notices a swollen lymph node in his throat. She tells him that he needs an ultrasound.

They all then start mourning the loss of Nick. They have this pretend funeral for him and read things about why they love him and how they will  miss him. Schmidt cries, Winston Cries and Jess Cries. Its so weird. Not even funny. Schmidt keeps kissing him on the lips. Things are just strange. They diagnose him with cancer from their phones.

from ew.com

There is a side bit about Winston's car. It has basically been through hell and back and is held up by masking tape. He refuses to get rid of it though because of all the memories. Winston has a flashback of a funeral where he told def jam comedy at. Horrible. Then they all rap about it. Horrible again.

Nick decides before he dies, hopped up on period pills, he wants to jump in the ocean and not guard the wallets. He does so and its freezing. He gets out and gets warm as they all console him. CeCe sits with Schmidt and lets her know she lost her father when she was 12. A serious moment ruined by her perfect butt imprint in the sand. They all wake up and leave in Winston's car with the bumper falling off.

At the hospital Nick gets his scan. We find out he does not have cancer. He tries to pay for it with cash, sans wallet, he uses a plastic bag. The rest of the crew chip in and split it for him.

Please bring back funny Schmidt, I hate filler episodes.

New Girl: The Science Fair

CeCe/Schmidt: CeCe was still in bed with Schmidt. She had to be able to sneak out of his room without anyone seeing her. They were all shocked that Schmidt slept with the same girl on another night. They were surprised he didn't want to show her off, since flashback to other scenes where he told the girl Nick's room was the front door, haha. He tells the roomies to look up at the crescent moon so CeCe sneak back in later on. He tries to woo her with some stories about different kinds of cheese. "I wanna slowly peel off the wax on your babybels". Not sure why this worked, but CeCe dug it. She took him to a club to sit in the car so she could go in and they could have sex after. He agreed only if she had breakfast with him. Cut to breakfast at the old age Chinese restaurant. She explains to him that all other boyfriends only showed her off because of her looks. He then tells her how smart and fun she is and she smiles. I have to say it again that I adore Schmidt.

from citytv.com

Nick/Julia: Julia is in Beijing for work and she sends him a cactus. He reads into this and thinks its because he cannot care for a real plant. He ends up watering it too much, the stems break off, he duct tapes them back. He then gets drunk and so does the plant and calls her 7 times leaving messages about how the cactus is a metaphor for her breaking up with him. One message he even ends with I love you and says WHAT did I just say? She finally shows up and confronts him on all the voice mails. She then tells him after listening to all seven of them she realizes he was right, they should break up. He is crushed. Jess ends up giving him a small plant anyways. He had a cactus needle sticking out of his head.

Jess/the kids/Winston: It's science fair day and all of the kids are getting ready. One really snotty kid makes a robotic arm. WHAT. In my 8th grade project I did the difference between tap and bottled water, not created robotics! Another kid who tapes a flashlight to a basketball tells Jess that kids are putting pennies in his but. He shows her his 24cent winnings. She decides to fix this with song. She has the bullied kid play the casio and she sings on her guitar about a sad sparrow. Brianna (the girl from Ramon and Beezus) tapes the whole thing and makes a parody of it on youtube with a bird taking  poop on Jess. Jess is so mad at her that she breaks her science project.

Her and Winston try to put it back together and he brings her his favorite scissor. We later see the bullied kid with the scissor in his mouth, weird. Brianna's two moms are there and when Brianna shows her arm it short circuits and blows up. Yikes. She thinks the bullied kid did it but Jess comes forward saying she did. Winston tells the two moms what a terror Brianna is and dubs himself "brown lightening" when he used to bully kids in school. She gets called into the Principal's office, but she could care less because she is happy that Jess finally hates kids like teachers should. Jess makes another song about robotic arms and has Brianna sing with her. This is her form of punishment.

from fox.com

New Girl: Let's Get Twirly

Truly hysterical. I love my little 30 minute comedy shows that I have added to my DVR.

It's Valentine's Day and Jess is feeling pretty "Twirly", which is her word for horny. It is her first Vday alone in 6 years and she wants to take care of little Jess. She buys a 100 pack box of condoms and wants Schmidt to take her out so she can get a one night stand. She packs an over night bag with a change of clothes and stain remover too. She sprays all of her body parts not knowing what this person will be smelling.

Jess, Schmidt and CeCe go to the bar to find her a one night stand. She talks to the first guy who is from Oregon and they nix him because she has too much of a connection already. CeCe is waiting for her boyfriend to come to the bar. He finally gets there is hyped up on mushrooms. CeCe tells him its time to leave because soon he will get racist. She approaches a guy at a bar and sexily asks for his cherry. It ends up getting stuck in his glass so she jams her fingers in and then it gets lodged in her throat and she almost chokes on it. I have to say I fell in love with Schmidt just a little bit more as he quoted the vampire diaries. Swoon.

The guy who slaps her back is fellow True Blood alum Ryan Kwanten! (Hello Jason Stackhouse! I think its amazing that his ex dead girlfriend is in the same episode) He is as stupid as ever. Does her ever get to play a smart role? Seriously! We find out they have nothing in common because he only talks about his lunch and how many tacos he ate. Jess is sold. She is going home with him. She makes Schmidt drive her there.

from fox.com

Over at his house, Oliver, Jess and Schmidt are watching Planet of the Apes together. Jess wants him to leave so she calls CeCe. CeCe is busy dealing with her drugged up boyfriend who is swinging in the playground and calling her the brown girl. RACIST! She tells Schmidt to leave his car there and she will pick him up. He is afraid of the neighborhood they are in and the youths. Rightfully so, his tires were stolen and put on cinder blocks. Oliver's girlfriend comes home and is furious with Jess. Apparently they still live together, but broke up last week. The girlfriend eats tacos really loudly in the kitchen to annoy them. In walks CeCe and her boyfriend and Schmidt. Awkward. Oliver's girlfriend kisses Kyle and CeCe and her get into a fight that gets broken up. They all leave and Oliver gets back together with his girlfriend who understands his love for tacos.

Winston is celebrating vday with Shelby and her three girlfriends. He is putting on nose pore strips, consoling them about love problems and being an all around good guy. Shelby wonders if he is doing all of this to make up for bad behavior. They are super cute together.

Nick is going to Julia's office to celebrate. A guy greets Nick, thinking he is a package delivery guy and starts talking nasty things about Julia. We find out that this guy is her intern. Julia is swamped with work so even though she gives him heart shaped boxers and has light up heart headbands she is super busy. Nick hangs out with the intern and over champagne tells him why he never went back to law school. The intern is so inspired he ends up quitting leaving Julia with all of this copy and stapling work to do. Nick ends up doing it all for her and they have a sweet moment. Maybe he will go back to law school?

Jess is upset she didn't get some, so she takes her box of condoms to Schmidt's door. She is about to knock on it for sex when Nick catches her and she drops all 100 condoms. He basically picks her up and takes her away from the situation. In the morning she calls CeCe to tell her what she almost did. CeCe was apparently in Schmidt's room doing it with him. She must like him as Schmidt nuzzles up to her neck.

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I heart Schmidt. I really do. He is the funniest character I have seen in a while. Although I am still rooting for Nick and Jess, I would have loved to see her hook up with Schmidtty. Who do you want her to end up with?

New Girl: The Landlord

Freaking hysterical I tell you. I wish I could rewind and laugh all over again. Let's try to relive this for you here...

Nick assumes the worst in everyone. Him and Jess are fighting for a parking spot with a guy and Nick starts screaming at him. The guy pulls out a gun and I am even scared. Jess tries to sign nice things and the guy puts away the gun and gives them the spot. "He has a gun and you are dressed like a bulls eye!" Back at the apartment everything is falling apart as usual. Jess asks them why they never ask the landlord to help with anything.

She takes it upon herself to meet with the landlord. He is not nice and refuses to help them until she gives him cupcakes and sees his tattoo with his name, Remy, on his arm. She tells them that the four of them "wait. You have 4 roommates" No we have three, she says. I counted myself twice. AHha, classic Jess.

The boys hear the landlord knock and the door and go into their contingency plan. They toss Schmidt's mattress out the window and he packs a suitcase. Just as Remy walks in Schmidt pretends to be a foreign exchange student who is leaving but ends up hiding in Winston's room. Remy sees him there and sees the sex scene painted in the closet of Winston's room which must be painted over.

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Jess ends up getting Remy to fix a few things in her room. They start talking about how is wife broke his heart and she invites him over for dinner. Nick is suspicious and thinks Remy is only being nice to Jess to get some. He tries to show her that's how guys flirt by saying let me show you how. I just love Nick and Jess together, I really do wish that they will get together. Nick, Jess and Remy are eating together and drinking his homemade fermented wine. He goes to the bathroom and comes back sans pants. He tells them that he is ready for their threesome and Nick and Jess just smile. Nick says until Jess admits that he was right, he will go through with this threesome to prove a point to her.

Remy puts on Rusted Root's greatest hit "send me on my way" as they all get ready for their menage-a-tois. He then massages Nicks shoulders and I am even creeped out by this. He says he is going to take off his shirt but not his pants, because Nick will be captain underpants for the night. EW. He tells them that Nick and Jess have to kiss and they are about to until Jess freaks out and ends it. She tells Nick he is right and they stop the whole thing and say goodbye to Remy. He tells them its fine that four people live there. Where is Nick's girlfriend through all of this? Who knows and who cares, I like him and Jess better together.

Winston is not really existent in this episode besides a few funny scenes. He finds Schmidt's new year's resolutions from 2008 while he is cleaning out the closet. Schmidt however has a thing with his boss. He thinks that every time she talks to him she is hitting on him. He even asks CeCe for advice saying they are in a sex marathon at he is at mile 25 and his legs are cramping and his toes are falling off, ew.

He takes it to another level as he tries to make out with her in her car in the parking lot. The garage cops think he is trying to rape her and break it up and beat him. He comes into her office the next day to apologize. He even shows her the one on the list about her. As a pudgy mail room guy he hopes to bang her. She then tells him to get the boardroom ready for her video call with Tokyo. He takes this as a flirt and gets naked on top of the table, does some funny exercises and flirts and Tokyo is really on the other end watching the whole thing. HILARIOUS. Truly comedic greatness!

Some of my favorite lines....

"What if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig?"
"Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, then steal it"
"Just a pick a color of crocs and buy them already"